Months ago my husband and I hit a rough patch that got so bad we could no longer communicate about it without being bitter and mean. It seemed easier to hang out in different rooms or just not talk at all because when we did talk, we kept trying to convince the other of his or her wrongdoing.
It went around and around. The Love & Respect book would call this the “crazy cycle.”
And then it all got a little worse, coming to a head the night of our office holiday party. The same night my mother-in-law came to watch the kids so we could “go out and have fun.”
I couldn’t get past the issue and find a way to just make it disappear.
“Forget it,” I said, “I’m not going.”
Bitter Spouse
And so there we sat, at the kitchen table, defeated, looking at leftovers, mumbling negative commentary back and forth, all while Mom urged us to get out. She said we would feel better.
How? We could barely look at each other. It felt impossible.
There was nothing in me that wanted to go. And it was a bummer, especially because we looked forward to the event for weeks. Especially because Mom traveled so far to get there. Especially because we were tired of fighting amongst ourselves and around our kids.
But I was at a standstill in my heart. There seemed no other option. I couldn’t imagine how to submit in that kind of a situation.
And then God told me to go outside and pray.
I went outside, sat on the front step and started praying for our marriage. When the focus turned to God, calling on him, delighting in his presence, a breath of fresh air entered my entire body, from head to toe, and everything felt … different.
Better Spouse
It was suddenly a good idea to start fresh. What?
Yes, and also to shove aside the details. Heh?
I jumped up from the step and went back inside.
That’s it?
Yes, it was like getting a text from God: Go to party tonight. Thanks 🙂
The amazing thing about it (and there ALWAYS is something amazing), is that at that moment I wanted to go… with my husband. Minutes before, the idea was out of the question.
Scripture says God can turn the heart of a king (Ezra 6:22), and I realized that with a single breath, he could also change the heart of a bitter wife.
He actually breathed his spirit into me–bringing me back to a life in him. A life that overlooks the things we can’t seem to overlook in our humanness. A life filled with love and new beginnings.
A life that is worth living.
“The LORD God formed the man from the dust of the ground and breathed into his
nostrils the breath of life, and the man became a living being.” (Genesis 2:7)
With no transition or appropriate segue whatsoever, I entered the kitchen, sat down and started smiling.
“Want to go to the party?”
The whole thing probably seemed a little crazy, since moments before a completely different person sat in that same chair. But my husband knows how God works.
It is by his grace that we go from bitter husband to better husband; from angry wife to loving wife; from self-centered spouse to God-centered spouse; from worldly marriage to faithful marriage; from sinner to saved.
Going by faith in marriage isn’t easy when we go it alone. It’s unthinkably easy when we go it with God.
I love you Lord! Who knows how many marriages are ravaged, destroyed and torn apart by the enemy. You alone have the power to change our minds and hearts.
“My salvation and my honor depend on God; he is my mighty rock, my refuge.” -Psalm 62:7
How has God changed your heart in marriage?
Resources You Might Like:
Post: Confessing Bitterness.
Post: 34 Ways to Pray for Your Marriage When Stressed, Sleep Deprived, Frustrated and Fed Up
May I request you to send me more inspirational truth about saving marriage. I desparately need it to save my marriage.
He being bitter
Hey TK — for more truth about marriage, check out God’s word! The bible has countless teachings on marriage, especially 1 Peter 3 and Ephesians 5.
Also, this is a good online video sermon called “Staying married is not about staying in love”: http://www.desiringgod.org/resource-library/sermons/staying-married-is-not-about-staying-in-love-part-1
May God bless your marriage and refresh it. We will pray for you!
Hi ladies!
Great post, Jen! Spending time in prayer focusing on God and not whatever issue is making me upset or angry always seems to help here as well. My husband and I are currently reading ‘Boundaries in Marriage’ by Drs Cloud and Townsend. They are both Christians and write this book from a Christian perspective AND clinical research perspective. Another book that is highly recommended is ‘The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country’s Foremost Relationship Expert’. (I have not read this one yet, but the know that it has helped a few friends.) While I liked the Love and Respect book, I thought it failed to mention that women also desire to be respected and men desire to be loved. Marriage is hard work, no doubt. God wants us to be unified and Satan wants to tear us apart. Lots of prayer and perseverance!
Thanks Monica — and yeh, I see what you’re saying about the Love & Respect book. My husband mentioned that as well after we read it. We’re reading “Bait of Satan” right now… WOOOOOW.
I like what you said about focusing on God and not the issue. It’s exactly what we’re supposed to do!
Wow, I feel better just reading this and your comments. It’s so easy to get discouraged, desperate, and hopeless. But when you just stop and refocus on Jesus and seek Him, that peace floods the soul. It is SO simple, but so hard to do and the last thing we think to do! Thanks for the reminder 🙂
Tired of the fighting
I got a kick out of this my darling wife sent the other day:
Once a Man asked God:
“Why are all Girls so Cute and Sweet?And all Wives are always Angry and Bitter ?
God answered:” Girls are made by Me… and you make them Wives”..!!!
Seriously, God can reverse it and we know it. Thanks, Jennifer, for the witness.
This helps me. I have been praying with my request for my family/marriage, thanking god for what he has and is doing, and now added in God’s promises. God you promised that what you joined together, let no man put asunder. My struggle is that God is working through me, but husband is unwilling/hardening. I know I have no control over him and just trying to let it all go to God and his timing. I have read books, devotionals, scripture, and blogs…. more than I can count. The world takes such control. When we (spouse) can’t look at ourselves and blame the other it seems to get worse. I am just not able to let go of 15.5 years. Yes I was nagging, coarse, and stressed. I am a better person with so much to give, because of God’s grace and mercy upon me. Just wish he was willing to see all God has brought to me.